I'm Loopy*! Who are You?

Are you loopy, too?
Then there's a pair of us - don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring blog!

(With many, many, many apologies to Emily Dickinson)

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OK - all silliness aside here...

I've had a bit of a medical scare this week, and now I've got nothing but time to dwell upon it for the next couple of days. I thought that maybe getting some of this out on paper might help me to get it not-so-much in my head, if that makes any sense.

However - if you stopped by hoping the knitting, or the cooking, or the Schecky's poeming was going to be featured - well, you might want to check back another day. Today's prospects are not so good.

The important stuff. I'm going to be fine. I should be fine. This is probably not going to turn out to be much of anything... Just wanted to get that out of the way for those of you sweet peas who worry.

Long story short - I've had crushing headaches and vertigo for a week now. Not fun. It started off mild, but persistent, but by the weekend it was on and off. So I chose to ignore it. Anyhow, I'd decided that it was probably something sinus-y, and that if I ignored it, or willed it to get better, it would go away.

But then it started being more on than off. And when the dizziness struck, it struck hard. And personally, if I'm going to be stuck with a terrible case of the room spins? I'd like to have earned it the fun way - too many margaritas! Not just getting hit with it out of the blue...

It reached a point yesterday where the headache and nausea were persistent and bad. And I was driving - WITH SCHECKY IN THE CAR - and all of a sudden, the world turned absolutely upside down. It scared me silly. I didn't lose control of the car, but I realized that it could have just as easily gone the other way. I headed immediately to a doctor's office.

Oh yeah - side note? I'm a freak. I don't like to go to the doctor. I'm not anti-doctor, by any means. At the slightest sign of sniffle, I take Schecky. I am religious about going to the dentist, the dermatologist, the OB/GYN as many times as year as you're supposed to go. It's just the plain old regular doctor that I'm not a fan of. Don't know why, I just don't. I seem to have this misguided notion that I can cure anything that's wrong with me by sheer. force. of. will!

Anyhow - this doctor was wonderful - explained to me all the possible causes of vertigo, etc. - while reassuring me that I probably didn't have any of the scary ones. Until he started ruling out the not-scary ones. No sinus infection, no middle ear infection, etc.

So we moved on the the scary causes - like tumors. Or metabolic disorders (never have I had to give so many tubes of blood) So there was some scary waiting time as test results trickled back in. Then, the nurse noticed that by blood pressure and heart rate were all wonky. When I laid down it was normal. Like textbook normal. Ditto if I sat up. But when I stood up? It plummeted. Apparently a small drop is normal, but they were really worried about mine. Enough so that I got hooked up to an EKG machine, and that tests were immediately run to determine that I wasn't having a stroke, or a heart attack. (Or that I hadn't already had one, and just didn't know it!)

I was trying to be all brave - but on the inside I was really scared. Holy crap! I'm 38 years old. I know, I know - bad things happen to 38 year-olds. Even heart attacks and strokes. But I'm not supposed to be one of those 38 year-olds, you know???

This is getting too long, so let me wind it up. I've not had a heart attack, or a stroke. YAY! They are baffled as to what is causing my heart rate and blood pressure to drop - and it's something I've got to keep an eye on. Best guess? That the wicked-ass inner ear infection they suspect is causing the vertigo has really done a number on me, and that my whole system is stressed. Hopefully, when the inner ear infection gets cleared up - the rest should follow. Frustratingly, though - the inner ear infection is a virus, so it has just got to finish running its course.

In the meantime, though, I have some very, very, very sweet anti-vertigo medicine. It basically deals with the vertigo by knocking you out. Which isn't bad. And, before the knocking out occurs - I feel very dreamy, very floaty. I love everybody. Which is definitely not bad. I'm kind of loving my meds...

I'm forbidden from driving a car. For the next few days - I am not supposed to do anything except lie around and sleep. My doctor even ordered Bubba to wait on me hand and foot. And, as embarrassing as it is to have to call your husband in the middle of the day and say "Can you come get me?", like you're some 13 year old calling Mom after you got stuck at the mall - let me just say that when your husband comes into the doctor's office and sees you hooked up to an EKG machine??? He'll pretty much agree to do anything the doctor says!

(And poor Bubba was already freaked out before he saw that. He found out that I had gone to the doctor's only when he called my cell to ask a question about "when's dinner" and Schecky answered it and informed him that "Mommy can't come to the phone right now because we're at the doctor's office and they're taking all her blood!" He absolutely freaked, because he KNOWS I never go to the doctor. Poor Bubba, that call aged him 5 years...)

So - good drugs and bed rest are all that's on my plate for the upcoming few days. I like it when the meds make me floaty (and not care that the room is going round and round and round) but I like it better when they knock me out.
Because then I stop thinking about all the scary stuff.

Like having to think about your own mortality.
And how healthy you really are.
And how things can turn out so differently...

Anyhow - the siren song of the little yellow pill is calling, and I am going to succumb to it. And if you've made it this far - my apologies for all teh rambling...

Did I mention that one of the major side effects of my medicine is "inability to think clearly"???? It's listed right on the patient info insert...

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*I started to use a word that don't mean nothin', like looptid.

Seriously, You Might Want To Skip This One...

Introspective Navel-Gazing and Blather Below.

Don't say you weren't warned...

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OK - I've spent far too much of the last week trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me; why I'm in such a droopy, daze-y, deepblue state*.

I mean, seriously? There are so many people in the world who have legitimate things that are wrong in their lives, such monumental things to overcome - and they do so with strength and grace and dignity. And then, here's me, seeming to invent reasons about why "I just don't feel right (whine, whine, whine)"
Peh. I'm ready to get over myself...

But, unfortunately, knowing that I want to get over myself, and being able to actually do it - well, they are two different things. And as much as I've tried to avoid thinking about stuff, and just being sweet to myself in hopes that this will go away? Well, it's not working.

Oh - and I've tried being sweet to myself.
I've tried to stop being so self-critical.
I've made babysteps back into the kitchen (although, nothing new that you've not already seen a dozen times) and with the knitting (I've been knitting up washcloths like you wouldn't believe, since they require no thought.)
I've even blown off stuff that shoulda-oughta been done in favor of taking Schecky to the pool.

Yeah. And in spite of cutting myself some slack, I still feel wrung-out.

The real kicker is that I burned the crap out of myself.
Again.
Sigh.

Just to mix it up, this is a real burn, from an iron. On my arm. Second degree, baby! (remind me again why I even try to be domestic? It obviously doesn't agree with me...)

But anyhow, I know myself well enough that when I start getting too accident-prone, etc. there's something going on. Something that needs to be examined, before something happens.

So...let's take a look at things:

First off, I've got to admit that I've not been wholly honest about something with you all, and I think it's a chunk of what's wrong: I've been on my own for virtually the whole of this year.

Bubba's been working on a big work thing in Albany, NY. And he's gone for two weeks out of every three. And on that third week? The one that's supposed to be mine? Lots of little emergency trips kept popping up. Which has left me essentially on my own for the last four months.
(So, if you've ever wondered "why the hell isn't Bubba helping her with that?" as I document yet another problem at the House That Crazy Built - that's why. Bubba's a good egg, but there's only so much you can do when your not here.)

I've tried to be a good egg about it, too - it's not Bubba's fault, after all. He hates it as much as I do. So I didn't want to whine about it here. Also - it just didn't seem smart to announce to the Internets that "Hey, I'm alone here!" But I think I'd kind of reached the tipping point on that, you know?

Secondly, I think that the always insightful Normanack of Subversive Suburban hit the nail on the head in the comment that she left. Sometimes there is a letdown after a big buildup.
I should know this firsthand. After I was on Jeopardy! a million years ago, I sank into a big old depression. And the it wasn't because I didn't win - it was for the loss of a dream, of a sense of purpose: being on Jeopardy! was something that I had worked on so hard, and dreamed of for so long. And now, I'd done it. So now what...

I think that there is some post-festival loss of goal. I worked really hard on that party, I was so focused on it, it happened, so now what?

Oh - and there's more stupid little stuff.
I'm not sleeping.
I'm not eating right (and I know that this has to be affecting me, even if I don't want to think about it...)
And despite my protestations, I realize that the calendar is just packedpackedpacked with a gazillion end of the year activities.
And even though individually, many of them are things to be excited about, when confronted with them overall - it's like the death of a thousand tiny cuts...

So - that brings me to where I am now. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm ready to be over it. And ignoring it, and hoping is just goes away isn't helping one little iota.

But I think confronting it - well, I think that's got to help. Instead of free-floating "I don't feel right" - I've got concrete stuff to look at.

• I don't feel right: because I'm tired.

• I don't feel right: because I'm not eating right.

• I don't feel right: because there's too much to do, and I'm not taking the time to enjoy any of it - treating everything as if it were just a task to be checked off a list.

• I don't feel right: because I don't have a goal. something to focus upon.

This is a list that I can do something about. I mean, look at that? That's not all that scary, now is it?
Woo. Hoo.

And as for the final thing - I don't feel right: because I'm tired of being alone?

Well, that's fixed.

Ding-dong, the Albany project is over.

Hear that, Albany? Bubba is mine again, you bitch!

Heh!

And to celebrate his homecoming tonight, I have a date.
With Bubba and with SpiderMan.

Woo. Hoo.

And if that won't cheer a girl up, then how about the fierce hooded towel monster that sometimes still comes to visit? That's pretty good stuff, too**...

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*Deep Blue State of Mind, that is. Because, politically speaking, Georgia is one of your bigger (dumber) redder states. But let's not go there. It'll get me all depressed again...

**'Cause if you stuck around this long? You deserve some sort of picture...

I Seem To Have Caught a Wee Dose of Ennui...

or maybe it's Spring Fever.

Whatevs...

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Hey all - it's me, checking in.

Just sayin' "hey."
'cause that's what we say down South.

Not much is going on here*: which is blissful, and just what the doctor ordered. But I'm just in a strange state where although nothing is wrong, nothing's still quite right, if you know what I mean.

I'm fine.
I feel fine.
I'm finally getting caught up on my sleep.

But it just seems like everything takes me five times longer than it should. It's difficult to get anything started. Even more impossible to get something finished. For some reason, life seems a little dreamy, a little like living underwater...

And I'm just drifting along.

I need to get reading again, I need to get knitting again, I need to get back in my kitchen and cook something, darn it!
I'm not quite sure what's stopping me. But I do know that things just feel more right when I am making the time for these things... And lately, I'm just not doing it...

Anyhow, this state of limbo is incredibly b-o-r-i-n-g - hence the radio silence from these parts as of late. I only mention it now because I've been getting several sweet, sweet emails from y'all pointing out that it's been a good long while since there was any sort of "real" post, and wanting to make sure I'm OK.
And I thank you, dear sweeties, for the concern, I do appreciate it! Kisses all 'round.

So - to summarize - things aren't a little weird around here.
Just me...
but then, that's not really news, is it???

xo

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*Actually, as I go back and re-read that as I'm proofreading, I realize that's not wholly true. It is the end of the school year whirlwind: talent shows, field day, Cub Scout banquets, library reception, etc. It's all *fun* stuff, nothing to bring on the ennui. But now that I'm thinking about it, there's more going on here than I thought...

Thoughtfulness and Generosity - All Packaged In A Gorgeous Basket...

A wise man once said that the best kind of gratification is delayed gratification...

OK, actually - that's crap. I just made that up to try and excuse how long it's taken me to get to this post!

If good intentions counted for anything, well... then I'd have lots of whatever it counts for. Lots of good intentions around here the last week. Lots of good intentions, and not as much follow-through...

I find myself in an odd space... maybe it's Spring Fever? But I find myself starting to wonder if perhaps I am spending too much time following the lives and craftiness of others, and not focusing enough on my own.
I'm managing to take care of all the day in, day out stuff that life needs- but it seems there's not enough time for the "extras". I want more time for knitting and creating. More time for reading books again. More time to finish up on the great decluttering project of 2007. I'm craving the "extras" these days...

I'm not going to say I'm taking a full-out break... Let's face it - how many times have you read on someone's blog that they're going to take a little break? Sometimes it happens, and sometimes they're back 36 hours later -- more prolific than ever!
(Which, selfishly I kind of always cheer for! I miss my favorite bloggers when they go on a hiatus!)

So, no - I'm not announcing an official break. But don't be surprised or worried if I seem to be more quiet than usual. I might not be stopping by your blog as frequently, but I'll still be stopping by. I might not be posting as much here, or commenting as much out there* - but I'm still going to be around. Still blogging, still reading and commenting - but trying to examine my own life a bit more...
(guess it all goes back to the "Doing What I Can, When I Can, and In A Way That Makes Me Happy" thing...)

Now onto the GOOD STUFF!

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I've got my camera back - so I can share the loveliness that is my goodie basket from Daisy and Cookie's Big Weekend o' Fun!



Have you ever seen so much thoughtfulness packaged up so nicely?
(You can click on the picture to see it larger at Flickr - and see notes on what all there is!)



And did you check out Wee Bunny's face? Isn't he the cutest? I just want to eat him up.

And this:



I had actually seen this over at Creative Little Daisy - and thought it was beautiful, but I knew it wasn't for me. 'Cause I'm the Queen of Can't Sew.

But you know what? I do use needles** - when I put together a little bear, or when I did the face on SmittenKitten! So I have loved having this gorgeous case to put my needles in. Also - there is a little pocket on the inside cover, which is so clever. I've got lots of leftover strands of embroidery floss (you know, from when you use only two of the six strands, or somesuch) and the pocket is lovely for stashing all those leftover bits!

So, yes - I am horribly remiss in how long it took to get the post up...
But seriously, this kind of fabulousity? Worth the wait...

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*I have long suspected that I am a far better commenter than I am an actual blogger...

**Oooh - that makes me sounds all dark and damaged and stuff, doesn't it?

How Blogging Has Been Very, Very Good to Me (Part II)

I'm over-thinking things again.

I've started and deleted and restarted this post numerous times...

I think my problem lies in the fact that I feel strongly about this, and my limited writing skills are failing me. Yet, I still want to say what it is I am trying to say.
So - I just hope this comes across the way that I want it to. I'm going to quit toiling over this post, and just throw it all out there.

It may not be the prettiest thing, but in it's own way, it'll be the most sincere pumpkin in the patch...

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I previously wrote about why I started blogging - but those situations have all resolved themselves. Why then do I continue? The number one reason???

THE PEOPLE

I am fighting the urge to insert a "duh!" here.

I am touched, delighted and surprised every single day by the women (and yes, the men, too!) that I encounter in the blogisphere - both the visitors to BadFortuneCookie and those whose sites I visit religiously.

You inspire me - not just with your craftiness and creativity - but with your sense of community and caring.
I admire the way in which you share your lives - whether it's a kickass banana bread recipe, or a joy or a sorrow. I learn something from each one of you every single day - either through a wisdom that you pass along, or the simple dignity that shows through in the way you live your life.

You inspire me to become a better writer, to observe more, to become more contemplative of the world around me and my actions in it.

I feel that I am a nicer person for having become a blogger.

I know I am more a creative person.

You've gotten me to contemplate "gratitude" and what role it plays in my life...
And gratitude really isn't something that was on my radar a year ago...

I am interested in things again - and that to me is crucial.
I decided long ago that I would rather be interested than interesting. (I frequently find that the people who are so sure that they are interesting are the people that I like least to talk to at cocktail parties, etc.)
This concept of "interestedness" is important to me, but I kind of lost that for a while.
I now feel more connected to, and fascinated by the world around me (and by that I mean what I see here in my neighborhood, as well as the worlds that you take me to.)

I no longer feel the need to be a trailblazer, to set the world on fire... I've found contentment in the domestic arts and my role as a homemaker. And in doing so, found comfort in my own skin.

You've helped me to celebrate the good, and stood with me in the not-so-good. You deliver caring and support when I need it, and the occasional "snap out of it" when that's appropriate.

And, damn, so often you make me laugh...

In turn, you've shared your ups and downs, and allowed me to celebrate and commiserate with you.
I feel a part of a community.

You've taught me that my house is not just a place to dump stuff as I race from place to place. For the first time ever, I am attempting to actually make improvements to the house my home (and boy, oh boy, do I suck at it!) But my home is starting to show the first signs of decorating attempts...


click on photo to learn more about this stuff


Baby Steps, to be sure - but it's more than I've done in the 14 years that I've lived here...This began the year as an empty corner, save for the piano. Which was continually buried under a pile of jackets/books/mail/etc. And, it's the first thing you see when you walk in the front door. This is much nicer to be greeted with!)

You know me - I'm not one of those people who tries to sugarcoat everything and put forth the myth that "Oh my life is so perfect, blah blah blah... Look at how well I do things..."* What goes into these pages is kind of just me, warts and all. And I love how accepting you are of that.

So thank you - thank you for a wonderful year of inspiration, support, and community.
I'll never be able to repay you all for all that I've gained - but you make me want to try.**

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*And honestly, I quit reading those types of blogs months and months ago. If I want to read a fairy tale, I'll pick up Mother Goose. Or a Martha Stewart publication...

**If I go all "you complete me" on you, you have my permission to kick my ass....

Introspective Navel-Gazing On Tap - But Not In This Post...

I am musing on the year past, and the year upcoming - however, everything is still a bit nebulous and unformed still...

I'm not really one for huge sweeping New Year Resolutions*, but I would like to take a kind of inventory. A contemplation of where I've come from, where I'm going perhaps.

I've got some unformed ideas about why blogging has been so good for me, and how I'd like to continue that theme in the next 12 months...
But, don't worry, that's not going to happen today, so you're safe from too much introspective navel gazing.
(The Scheckster doesn't go back to school until next week, so any really deep thoughts thinking probably isn't going to happen until then....)

One thing I have come to realize, in this preliminary ruminating state, is that I really love the way that blogs have given me a glimpse into lives not my own. Maybe I am a voyeur of sorts, but I truly adore seeing the corners of your worlds - be it the corner of your kitchen, or a glimpse of the fields or mountains outside your door.

As an example: I am a frequent visitor to Knitting Iris. I'm not sure that I've ever commented there, so I guess I should more accurately say that I am a daily lurker there. But what keeps me going back? I love the pictures - be it her neighbor's mailbox, or the view from above her kitchen sink.

It's all so foreign from what I get to experience on a daily basis, and I find it as enjoyable as delving into a good book. And that's just one example - I could list dozens and dozens... Thanks to you all, I get to spend tiny amounts of time in England! At the Seattle Public Library! Main Street in a Carolina small town! The gorgeous landscapes of Maryland... Kansas, Virginia, Michigan, Louisiana....
I thank each and every one of you for this...

And it's got me thinking... my life doesn't seem all that exciting and glamorous. But it is, perhaps, different from what you get to see in your day in/day out life. And maybe, just maybe, it might help to take you away to a different place - if only for a few seconds.

And I don't know if this is a full-fledged "resolution" or not... it feels more like paying-it-back, or paying-it-forward, or something. But - I'd like to try to take more pictures of my environment. To appreciate it more myself, and take you to somewhere/something you might not get to see everyday... And it couldn't hurt my picture taking skills, either!

And - to underscore just how "not very exciting and glamorous" my life is - I present to you the first picture in the series. I call it "Laundromat. 7:30 am".



Yes, the damn dryer is still broke. I'm not sure why I find this surprising, but it didn't miraculously fix itself while I was out of town/being a slug.

I see a trip to Sears in my future.
I'm just psychic that way....

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*If anything, I tend to make more grand sweeping changes in the fall, which I've always found weird. I don't know if I find the climate more accommodating to change, or if I've just never grown-up enough to break free from the "new school year" mentality...

But for whatever reason, September/October is when I tend to be truly in the "this is what I want to change, and this is how I am going to do it" mindset....