Friday, May 11, 2007

Seriously, You Might Want To Skip This One...

Introspective Navel-Gazing and Blather Below.

Don't say you weren't warned...

OK - I've spent far too much of the last week trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me; why I'm in such a droopy, daze-y, deepblue state*.

I mean, seriously? There are so many people in the world who have legitimate things that are wrong in their lives, such monumental things to overcome - and they do so with strength and grace and dignity. And then, here's me, seeming to invent reasons about why "I just don't feel right (whine, whine, whine)"
Peh. I'm ready to get over myself...

But, unfortunately, knowing that I want to get over myself, and being able to actually do it - well, they are two different things. And as much as I've tried to avoid thinking about stuff, and just being sweet to myself in hopes that this will go away? Well, it's not working.

Oh - and I've tried being sweet to myself.
I've tried to stop being so self-critical.
I've made babysteps back into the kitchen (although, nothing new that you've not already seen a dozen times) and with the knitting (I've been knitting up washcloths like you wouldn't believe, since they require no thought.)
I've even blown off stuff that shoulda-oughta been done in favor of taking Schecky to the pool.

Yeah. And in spite of cutting myself some slack, I still feel wrung-out.

The real kicker is that I burned the crap out of myself.

Just to mix it up, this is a real burn, from an iron. On my arm. Second degree, baby! (remind me again why I even try to be domestic? It obviously doesn't agree with me...)

But anyhow, I know myself well enough that when I start getting too accident-prone, etc. there's something going on. Something that needs to be examined, before something happens.

So...let's take a look at things:

First off, I've got to admit that I've not been wholly honest about something with you all, and I think it's a chunk of what's wrong: I've been on my own for virtually the whole of this year.

Bubba's been working on a big work thing in Albany, NY. And he's gone for two weeks out of every three. And on that third week? The one that's supposed to be mine? Lots of little emergency trips kept popping up. Which has left me essentially on my own for the last four months.
(So, if you've ever wondered "why the hell isn't Bubba helping her with that?" as I document yet another problem at the House That Crazy Built - that's why. Bubba's a good egg, but there's only so much you can do when your not here.)

I've tried to be a good egg about it, too - it's not Bubba's fault, after all. He hates it as much as I do. So I didn't want to whine about it here. Also - it just didn't seem smart to announce to the Internets that "Hey, I'm alone here!" But I think I'd kind of reached the tipping point on that, you know?

Secondly, I think that the always insightful Normanack of Subversive Suburban hit the nail on the head in the comment that she left. Sometimes there is a letdown after a big buildup.
I should know this firsthand. After I was on Jeopardy! a million years ago, I sank into a big old depression. And the it wasn't because I didn't win - it was for the loss of a dream, of a sense of purpose: being on Jeopardy! was something that I had worked on so hard, and dreamed of for so long. And now, I'd done it. So now what...

I think that there is some post-festival loss of goal. I worked really hard on that party, I was so focused on it, it happened, so now what?

Oh - and there's more stupid little stuff.
I'm not sleeping.
I'm not eating right (and I know that this has to be affecting me, even if I don't want to think about it...)
And despite my protestations, I realize that the calendar is just packedpackedpacked with a gazillion end of the year activities.
And even though individually, many of them are things to be excited about, when confronted with them overall - it's like the death of a thousand tiny cuts...

So - that brings me to where I am now. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm ready to be over it. And ignoring it, and hoping is just goes away isn't helping one little iota.

But I think confronting it - well, I think that's got to help. Instead of free-floating "I don't feel right" - I've got concrete stuff to look at.

  • I don't feel right: because I'm tired.
  • I don't feel right: because I'm not eating right.
  • I don't feel right: because there's too much to do, and I'm not taking the time to enjoy any of it - treating everything as if it were just a task to be checked off a list.
  • I don't feel right: because I don't have a goal. something to focus upon.

This is a list that I can do something about. I mean, look at that? That's not all that scary, now is it?
Woo. Hoo.

And as for the final thing - I don't feel right: because I'm tired of being alone?

Well, that's fixed.

Ding-dong, the Albany project is over.
Hear that, Albany? Bubba is mine again, you bitch!


And to celebrate his homecoming tonight, I have a date.
With Bubba and with SpiderMan.

Woo. Hoo.

And if that won't cheer a girl up, then how about the fierce hooded towel monster that sometimes still comes to visit? That's pretty good stuff, too**...

*Deep Blue State of Mind, that is. Because, politically speaking, Georgia is one of your bigger (dumber) redder states. But let's not go there. It'll get me all depressed again...

**'Cause if you stuck around this long? You deserve some sort of picture...


oilclothjunkie said...

Hey I've got a goal for you!!! Come visit Kansas! Lots of awesome blog ladies live here and we'd sure show you a wonderful time!

Have fun on your date tonight. There's nothing like movie theatre popcorn to cheer a girl up. :)

Shropshire Girl said...

Hope you don't mind this comment but I enjoy your blog very much, - I was wondering if you have had yourself 'checked out', I was feeling very similar myself earlier this year and a check up showed anaemia (no wonder I was so lethargic and woolly headed). Hope you have a lovely date - and be good to yourself.

Hockey Mom said...

Yay that he's back! I hope things start evening out some - the school year is almost over.

Debbie said...

Glad your Bubba is back! Enjoy your time together and I'll send you a more personal e-mail

Christy said...

Oh LLA!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))

Wish I could deliver that hug personally! I'm glad you put it all down on paper, so to speak. It really does help you look at things. I'm so glad Bubba is home and I'm jealous about your date. Have a great time! :)

MéLisa said...

Oh sweetie! Big hug to you! I hope that things will start looking up for you. Now that you have Bubba back I am sure that they will. Being apart is so hard &sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on even if it doesn’t fix anything. Have your self a big o’l date night & for goodness sake start eating better! I know that really affects me too. If you need anything you just let me know (you know cause I am right around the corner & can really do anything, but I would try!!!!)

normanack said...

I hate to be the one to bring up the "D" word, but if the feeling doesn't go away, sometimes serotonin meds can help . . .

I hope your world is sunnier soon. And enjoy the hell out of Bubba!

3 to get ready said...

Hug, hug, hug! So sorry you're still feeling down!

Maybe once the school year is over you can breathe out and relax into some semblance of normal with Bubba back. A couple of fun date nights, crank up some tasty music, and maybe things will start to fall into perspective.

If not, the check-up option may be worth a shot. It couldn't hurt, and maybe it could help. Hang in there! We're all pulling for you!

(Oooo -- the word verification letters I just had to type in were "ynaht". Get it? Why not?? What are the odds of that?!)

bekka said...

i hate that you're feeling so blue. and hope that you figure out something that makes you feel more purposeful. lucky you that bubba is now home for a good, long while. his support and presence will help a great deal.

any chance you can take a vacation? a spa day might help you feel rested and well-fed, pampered.

enjoy your spidey date!

Leah said...

I'm glad to hear he's back & hopefully things will get back to normal soon!

Yeah, living in the blue island in the middle of all the red is depressing at times. Though I could never leave the south. That would really depress me!

Sarah and Jack said...

Hopefully the return of Bubba will help get you back into a more "regular" routine. And, because I have been there myself, I always feel compelled to say that if it doesn't go away, don't be afraid to visit your doc for assistance.

Jodi said...

Have fun on your date night! I can relate to much of this post, even though I don't have a kid and my husband isn't out of town. Hang in there!

rohanknitter said...

Sometimes it helps to do some navel-gazing- just getting it out in some tangible way can be a relief. Anyway, been there, done that. Obviously, farmer-husband doesn't go out of town but during spring and fall it feels like being a single parent- except I still do his laundry and make lunches for him. Gone before we get up, home after we are in bed, and if there's some kind of problem - well, it's my problem. (aside from dire emergencies) Add to that a bunch of running around and I'd end up in a real funk, too, especially when I had three little kids. Eating and sleeping better will help. And knitting dishcloths can't hurt! And I'm sure a date with Bubba and Spidy will help. Hang in there!

beki said...

Oh lla, I'm sending lots of big hugs your way!!! I've missed you ;-)

Laura said...

I've been there, and it sucks. Six weeks of therapy and I was back to "normal," but I know I could easily slide back into it. I hope you get pampered on Mother's Day--maybe that will help.

Rhonda said...

You should never minimize your feelings/the doldrums/ennui (love that word) just because other people in the world have 'bigger problems' than you. Your feelings are your feelings. I don't mean to sound all "psychotherapist-y" on you (since I have no background in it!! lol). But don't minimize how you're feeling. It'd be one thing if you were the type of person who was like this all the time...but I get sense that you're not like this all the time, and that you're not one dramatize feel what you're on what you can work on...but most of all, know that you're not the only out there who is going or has gone through periods like this. Take comfort in that.

I'm glad your honey is back. I hope you have a wonderful date together.

Chara Michele said...

I hope your date was wonderful! It sucks to be down, but it sounds like things are going to start looking up a bit for you. Being apart really is hard isn't it! Glad Bubba is back for you.

jen said...

yay! reclaim yer man!

not so yay burning yourself. If it's any consolation i burn myself witht heiron all the damn time. With making the pouches i do a lot of pressing and sometimes i JUST PUT the iron on my hand...DOH! Then i blister and gross.
this latest episode would be me ramming a sewig pin thru my entire fingertip saturday. It bled in 2 places where it went in and came out and there was .5 inch of space betweent he two...ewww. And don't let me near the rotary cutter, last july i sliced my fingertip off..literally my fingertip was slanty for a month. not cool.
i feel yer pain.
i hope you can cheer more debbie downer!