It’s been quiet here in CookieLand, as you may have noticed.
And I’ve been trying to figure out what’s up with that.
Below is a long, rambling and probably incoherent discourse on (maybe) the “why” of it.
I’m not so sure that you actually need to read it.
(it is long, and ramblesome)
But I think that I needed to write it…
(Although, if you are going to read it, you may want to do so now. As I am not sure how long this one will stay posted…)
At one point, when I was still in my 20’s, I briefly considered continuing pursuing my Psychology degree further, perhaps going into the realm of counseling. I (wisely, I think) decided that it wasn’t a good fit. At that time in my life, I worried that I wouldn’t be able to leave it at the end of the day - that if I had clients with real, true problems, I might be able to help them, but at a cost to myself. I was worried that I’d end up taking these problems too much to heart, taking them on myself – and while it is a very noble thing to help others, I feared that it would end up being a detriment to myself.
And if you eliminate counseling people who have “real, true problems” – well then, who is left? I remember proclaiming boldly that I would never work with “middle aged, mildly depressed women who sat across the desk from me and whined that ‘they just didn’t feel fulfilled.’” I went on to proclaim, somewhat proudly, that I’d not last long in that capacity, seeing as how I’d probably succumb to temptation and kick the “whiny bitch” out of my office with the instruction to “get off her ass and do something!” (My 20-something self was not particularly tolerant, or nurturing.)
Now, I fear, I am dangerously on the verge of becoming that very thing: a middle-aged woman with so many advantages, and privileges – who takes advantage of exactly none of them.
And then has the audacity to whine about “I’m not sure I’m happy…”
Let me clarify: I’m not unhappy. I’m not moping around the house like some emo tween who has just discovered listening to The Smiths. If you ran into me irl, I don’t know that I’d make a huge impression, but if I did, I don’t think it would be one of abject sadness and listlessness.
It’s more a free-floating thing.
It’s not so much a feeling of “is this all there is?” – but a feeling of “is this all I want to be?”
This past year, I’ve focused my energies on being a wife, a mother, and a friend. And after a year of this experiment, I find myself questioning if I’m “doing it right”??? Am I a good wife? Mother? Friend? Am I the person that I want to be?
I’m glad that I’m not the person that I was in my teens and 20’s anymore. As I look back, that person wasn’t particularly likable. Too opinionated, too inflexible. Too bossy, too intolerant. Just too, too, too much… I saw things in black and white; there wasn’t a lot of room for gray in that world.
But one thing I will say for LLA1.0 – she got shit done. There was a lot of setting the world on fire, etc. There was a certain degree of confidence.
I always knew that I was right.
I knew what I wanted, and I did what it took to get it. End of story.
And that’s the complete opposite of how I find myself today. I tend to dwell on things, and try to see all sides of an issue. On one hand, I know this makes me more tolerant, but sometimes it just feels wishy-washy.
Instead of charging ahead like a bull in a china shop, I now weigh all my options, pondering endlessly over small variations to a plan, and as a result it seems that sometimes I accomplish very little at all.
It’s much nicer to be open to the side paths and detours that life throws our way – but is it possible that in doing so, one never reaches any sort of destination? And does there even need to be a destination? Is it enough to be all about the journey itself???
I think the problem is not that I don’t like LLA2.0 – but that I don’t know who she is. Or what she wants.
I know that I don’t want to go back to whom I was – but that doesn’t seem like enough of a plan…
So, even though I said the introspective navel gazing was going to stop – I feel like maybe these are big questions that need to be examined. I think that’s what the universe, or karma, or whatever is trying to tell me. I think that is why it’s been quiet around here lately. I’ve just not been inspired create, etc.
I’ve waited for the “knitting/crafty urge” to kick in. I’ve even tried to force it to kick back in a little, and - sweet cracker sandwich! - did that feel wrong.
So – I need to just not try to fight it, and not be afraid to examine these issues. Heck, I may even need to speak with someone on a professional level, about it. Just so I don’t get too mired down in myself.
The big thing, though, is that I’m just not going to force anything. If there’s stuff to blog about, I’ll blog. If there’s not, there’s not. I’m going to be easier on myself in some ways, harder on myself in others.
But I think figuring out who I am, what I want, and where I’m going (if that’s anywhere – maybe it is OK to just sit back an enjoy the ride) needs to be the top priority right now. The crafting/knitting/etc can wait until it wants to come back. And, I’m pretty sure that no matter what else I discover or learn, the crafty grrrl will be back. I can’t imagine life without her, even if she does seem dormant right now.
Oh – and part of the going easier on myself part includes this: I’m granting myself email amnesty. I let my inbox get so cluttered up over the summer when I was without reliable access. But I kept everything in there until I time when I could respond. But then I got more nice emails, and interesting comments – but I couldn’t respond to the newer stuff until I’d responded to the previous stuff. And then even more would come in. A vicious cycle that’s tough on an OCD-type like myself! (Don’t worry; I do acknowledge how crazy that is…)
So – amnesty! I’m going to go back through, and read everything – with no pressure of replying. (Because really, do you want a reply to a comment you left 6 weeks ago??? You’ve got your own in box clutter with which to deal!) And it all gets filed away, and then the slate is clean.
I don’t know about you, but I feel better already….