Wednesday, October 11, 2006

But No Major Wrecks or Stalls...

A segment of this morning's traffic report, as heard on my car radio:

You are looking at least a 45 minute commute this morning, coming in on GA400, between Highway blahdeblah and I-285. There are no major wrecks or stalls, but a number of smaller isolated incidents have things pretty well tied up. Looks like they're in for a hell of a ride...

And this stopped me in my tracks. Why? It seems to be a fairly innocuous, even commonplace, traffic report. Because of what I was doing at the time.
Which was sitting in the car, crying. And not just a few little sniffles, either. This was a full-on, hard-core, uncontrollable Holly-Hunter-in-Broadcast-News onslaught.
And it was the third time in less than 24 hours that I've done this. Basically, each time I've gotten in the car and have been by myself, it just happens and I can't seem to stop it.

And it is Freaking. Me. Out.

I am not that girl.
I don't cry. I'm not one of those people for whom that is a point of pride - you know, those people who go around boasting about how they never, ever cry? It's not something that I am/am not proud of, it's just kind of the way that it is. I'm not a crier. I didn't even cry when Schecky was born... (and, on the few rare occasions that I do cry, I am more likely to cry when I am happy.) So what the hell is this?

Did I mention that I am Freaking. Out. A. Little. about this?

There's nothing big wrong, not at all. We're all happy* and healthy and fine. Admittedly, it does seem like things have been harder lately than they should be - everything has seemed that way. But it's more on the scale of "nuisance" or "frustration" rather than "tragedy".
Oh, and not that anyone asked, and this probably borders on TMI, but this can not be attributed to monthly hormonal changes. That would bug me if it were that, but at least I'd have a clue what was going on...
Well, wait? Could this be a menopause thing? I'm thirty-freakin'-eight, isn't that too young???

Bubba's out of town, but I don't think this is about that, either. He's out of town all the time, and I cope just fine. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. If anything, my problem usually lies in the fact that I am too self-sufficient. I have a hard time letting other people in because "I can do it all on my own, thank you very much...."

I think that is part of what is freaking me out. I feel like my coping mechanisms are all out of whack. And if they're all out of whack now, when things are going along at what should be a smooth pace, what the hell happens if something bad does happen, and I need them??? And why am I worrying about what might happen? Again, I'm not that girl, either - the one who worries about things that may or may not happen... ARRRRRGH.

I called Bubba last night. And cried to him about the crying. (Which brings the crying total up to four now, in case anyone's counting.) Which freaked him out - because he didn't know what to do, or how to fix it. We had a very ungainly and unsatisfying conversation - kind of the long-distance verbal equivalent of him holding me gingerly and awkwardly patting me on the back going "There, there."

So anyway, back to the traffic report I heard this morning. It summed it up perfectly: no major wrecks or stalls, but a number of smaller isolated incidents that combine for one lousy ride.

But what do I do about it????

*As part of the editing process, I am striking through "happy" - I'm not sure I am allowed to make that claim until I can get the hysterical tears under control....


Angela said...

Oh sweet gal. I wish I had some insight here, but I'm afraid I am no help on this matter. However, if they lock us both up in the looney bin perhaps we could get cells next to each other? Just a thought. ;-)
I'm sure it is some hormonal thing...or maybe just the build-up of NOT crying for most of your life? I do hope you are feeling better soon though. Feeling out of whack is definately not fun.

beki said...

Hmmm, I'm at a loss. I'm not really a crier either, but when it does happen it usually catches me off guard. Maybe there is something going on, something you're just not aware of? My advice (which isn't worth much) is to just let it all out, sista. Like Angela said, maybe this is just a build-up and now your body needs to let loose.

3 to get ready said...

I'm SO sorry you're upset! (HUG)

Here are some of the things that set the trip bar on my upset-o-meter higher: stress, lack of sleep, general worry, specific worries, bad/sad current events -- could it be any of those? Sometimes it helps if you can pinpoint the source. It gives me something to work on anyway and makes me feel more in control.

Maybe a big mug of hot chocolate or tea, a comfy chair, and a really good book would help? You've got a nice overcast day for it.... big hugs from me!

laeroport said...

I don't know about you, but there are a lot of external factors in the world that are freaking me out right now and making me feel jumpy, twitchy and like I could cry at any moment. The economy, the build-up banter before mid-term elections, the war, school shootings, North Korea, Darfur.... the list goes on and on. And what can I do about it? But it makes me crazy just the same and causes me to loose sleep wondering why the world can't just GET ALONG already. So could any of those things be on the edge of your brain adding to the stress?

And if not, I hope I didn't just give you a whole 'nother list of things to stress about.

Maybe you should have another Peter Gabriel day. "Don't give up, you have freinds...."

capello said...

Eat ice cream! That's what you do about it.

If that doesn't work, eat ice cream and a brownie together. And if that doesn't work, add some alcohol to the mix.

(Honestly, don't know what to say. I have those days where I cry for no good reason. And then I get over it or find out I'm pregnant. One or the other.)

Katkat said...

Man it must be in the air. I'm sorry things are making you feel crazy. I'm so with you. I've been out of sorts all month and no real reason. I'll just blame the weather. Hope the traffic report is clearer for you in the upcoming weeks.

Laura said...

Just went through that, only for me, I burst into tears while putting on my makeup. I cried two or three times a day. I had to get professional help. I'm kind of crier and this was the first time in 16 years that Mr. Geeky said to me, "You know, I don't think I can fix this. You need a pro."

The Caretaker said...

If Bubba couldn't fix it, then I sure can't. But, I have a feeling it's only temporary,and you'll be back to your same self before I finish typing this.

bekka said...

oh yuck. just reading about the horrors of your traffic situation and response made the back of my head and neck ache. i'm an avoider. i'd stay inside. if possible.