Just so you know...

I'm writing blog posts in my head *all* the damn time.

Seriously, it's become like this weird compulsion, or something.

I'm driving Shecky to camp - he's learning video game design this summer(!?!); or I'm folding the never-ending mountain of laundry; or I'm staring into the refrigerator, trying to figure out what I can make with for dinner using some possibly-too-old chicken, some spicy mustard and half a tomato. But all the while, I realize that in the back of my mind, I'm composing a blog post about whatever it is.

It's kind of like having a radio playing at barely discernible volume - you know? You're almost not aware of it, it's not really registering on the radar; but if you're paying attention - well, then - there it is???

It's a mildly entertaining academic exercise of sorts.

Now - it seems that getting these phantom blog posts out of my head and actually ON the blog? Well...that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish right there.

Maybe this lame attempt is a start????

xo
lla

In Which LLA Attempts To Dip Her Toes Back Into the Blogisphere....

Mother's Day Pedicure, originally uploaded by lla.

Because that's the way to win your hearts back, right???
With a really bad pun, and a picture of my Fred Flintstone feet???

That's what I thought...
I mean, truly, who could resist *that* combination...

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Hey Y'all.

It's me.

LLA?
(or Miss Cookie, if you're nasty...)

You might remember me, I used to actually post stuff here, and occasionally you found it funny enough to comment and things?

Yeah. Again, that's what I thought.

It's OK. Neither Flickr nor Blogger recognized me either.
Maybe it's my cool blue toes* that render me incognito????

Anyway - I really am trying to come back. For some reason, I'm just finding it difficult to get the BFC party started...

Where'd I go? Honestly, nowhere really. I just had a six-week period that was insane crazy busy. Nothing bad, but I realized it was potentially overwhelming. And in keeping with my New Year's resolution to "Just Be OK With Things" - I knew that something had to give. And the logical choice was blogging/blog-reading.

Sounds crazy, I know, to give up something that I enjoy. But long-time readers of BFC know that I have "issues." Many, many issues with many, many things. And that my blogging issue is that I get hung up on being the kind of blogger that I want to be. I knew that with everything else going on that I wouldn't be able to write the kinds of posts that I wanted to write, or respond to any comments the way that I wanted to, etc. etc. etc.
Even though I know that no one expects that kind of stuff from me. Except for me.

So - instead of trying to squeeze blogging in, and being unhappy with my efforts, I decided to take a little break. Better to miss it, than to continue and not find the joy in it - or so my thinking went.

In retrospect, it might have been nice to say "Hey - I'm taking a little break here, talk with you later and I'll be back!"

Except, we've all visited blogs where the authors keep making these big huge deals about how they are going to be taking these BIG. DRAMATIC. BREAKS! Only to be posting more frequently than ever a mere 36 hours later**.
What's up with that, btw? How am I supposed to miss you if you won't go away???

So.

Anyway...

The crazy tumultuous stuff is over.

Volunteer obligations are over, Over, OVER AND DONE! (Can you tell I'm excited by this???) And now it's back to the regular old tumultuous stuff that makes up my life. But for some reason, it's been hard to get back into the swing of it here. And I don't know why.

So - here I go, making the plunge (or dipping my toes back in - I guess it remains to be seen which it is...) Because while I feel pretty darn sure that I've not been doing anything particularly interesting, or crafty, or blog-worthy - I have missed it here. So I want to come back.

If you'll have me.
Me, and my Fred Flintstone feet...

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*I'm sporting my Mother's Day pedicure - wh00t! I'm not 100% sure about the blue toes. Sometimes I look down and I think "oooh! cute!" and other times I look down and think "what was I thinking???" I am certain about one thing, though. I'm pretty sure that I am either too old, or too uncool to be truly rocking the blue toenails. But it's fun for a change....

**It goes without saying, Dear Reader, that of course I don't mean *you*

A Tiny Diversion...

It's not all introspective navel-gazing, and forward- and backward-lookingness here at the House That Crazy Built.
(Although there is that...)

There's also been knitting.

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In trying to make concrete my thoughts about the upcoming year, I have made one big decision. I've sworn a vow to myself to make sure that I'm carving out a tiny bit of time for me each day*.

And thus far, I've been using that time to knit.

Mostly, I've been making washcloths - firstly, because I love them so (both making them and using them) and lastly... well, there is no lastly, I guess. I just like making them, and I like the idea of having a fresh new set to start off the year.

But it's not been all washcloths all the time.

Nope.

'Cause I also made this little guy:



Isn't he dreamy?

He's a free pattern from MochiMochiLand.

So sweet.

So fun.

And really, when you think about it - sweet and fun (and squeaky clean)?
It's not a bad way to start off the year...

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*And how weird it is that this seems to me to be an incredibly selfish thing to do? As if my family (or anyone, for that matter) would begrudge me 30 minutes to myself, to do whatever it is I want to do? (Not what I feel I *need* to do, or I *should* do.

It still feels selfish, and wrong somehow...
Well, as least it does according to the bossy little voice in my head.

But I'm telling that bossy little voice to shut the hell up.
And I'm taking the time for myself anyway.

An Explanation…

It’s been quiet here in CookieLand, as you may have noticed.
And I’ve been trying to figure out what’s up with that.

Below is a long, rambling and probably incoherent discourse on (maybe) the “why” of it.

I’m not so sure that you actually need to read it.
(it is long, and ramblesome)

But I think that I needed to write it…

(Although, if you are going to read it, you may want to do so now. As I am not sure how long this one will stay posted…)

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At one point, when I was still in my 20’s, I briefly considered continuing pursuing my Psychology degree further, perhaps going into the realm of counseling. I (wisely, I think) decided that it wasn’t a good fit. At that time in my life, I worried that I wouldn’t be able to leave it at the end of the day - that if I had clients with real, true problems, I might be able to help them, but at a cost to myself. I was worried that I’d end up taking these problems too much to heart, taking them on myself – and while it is a very noble thing to help others, I feared that it would end up being a detriment to myself.

And if you eliminate counseling people who have “real, true problems” – well then, who is left? I remember proclaiming boldly that I would never work with “middle aged, mildly depressed women who sat across the desk from me and whined that ‘they just didn’t feel fulfilled.’” I went on to proclaim, somewhat proudly, that I’d not last long in that capacity, seeing as how I’d probably succumb to temptation and kick the “whiny bitch” out of my office with the instruction to “get off her ass and do something!” (My 20-something self was not particularly tolerant, or nurturing.)

Now, I fear, I am dangerously on the verge of becoming that very thing: a middle-aged woman with so many advantages, and privileges – who takes advantage of exactly none of them.
And then has the audacity to whine about “I’m not sure I’m happy…”

Oh. Ugh.

Let me clarify: I’m not unhappy. I’m not moping around the house like some emo tween who has just discovered listening to The Smiths. If you ran into me irl, I don’t know that I’d make a huge impression, but if I did, I don’t think it would be one of abject sadness and listlessness.

It’s more a free-floating thing.
It’s not so much a feeling of “is this all there is?” – but a feeling of “is this all I want to be?”

This past year, I’ve focused my energies on being a wife, a mother, and a friend. And after a year of this experiment, I find myself questioning if I’m “doing it right”??? Am I a good wife? Mother? Friend? Am I the person that I want to be?

I’m glad that I’m not the person that I was in my teens and 20’s anymore. As I look back, that person wasn’t particularly likable. Too opinionated, too inflexible. Too bossy, too intolerant. Just too, too, too much… I saw things in black and white; there wasn’t a lot of room for gray in that world.
But one thing I will say for LLA1.0 – she got shit done. There was a lot of setting the world on fire, etc. There was a certain degree of confidence.
I always knew that I was right.
About. Everything.
I knew what I wanted, and I did what it took to get it. End of story.

And that’s the complete opposite of how I find myself today. I tend to dwell on things, and try to see all sides of an issue. On one hand, I know this makes me more tolerant, but sometimes it just feels wishy-washy.
Instead of charging ahead like a bull in a china shop, I now weigh all my options, pondering endlessly over small variations to a plan, and as a result it seems that sometimes I accomplish very little at all.
It’s much nicer to be open to the side paths and detours that life throws our way – but is it possible that in doing so, one never reaches any sort of destination? And does there even need to be a destination? Is it enough to be all about the journey itself???

I think the problem is not that I don’t like LLA2.0 – but that I don’t know who she is. Or what she wants.
I know that I don’t want to go back to whom I was – but that doesn’t seem like enough of a plan…

So, even though I said the introspective navel gazing was going to stop – I feel like maybe these are big questions that need to be examined. I think that’s what the universe, or karma, or whatever is trying to tell me. I think that is why it’s been quiet around here lately. I’ve just not been inspired create, etc.
I’ve waited for the “knitting/crafty urge” to kick in. I’ve even tried to force it to kick back in a little, and - sweet cracker sandwich! - did that feel wrong.

So – I need to just not try to fight it, and not be afraid to examine these issues. Heck, I may even need to speak with someone on a professional level, about it. Just so I don’t get too mired down in myself.

The big thing, though, is that I’m just not going to force anything. If there’s stuff to blog about, I’ll blog. If there’s not, there’s not. I’m going to be easier on myself in some ways, harder on myself in others.
But I think figuring out who I am, what I want, and where I’m going (if that’s anywhere – maybe it is OK to just sit back an enjoy the ride) needs to be the top priority right now. The crafting/knitting/etc can wait until it wants to come back. And, I’m pretty sure that no matter what else I discover or learn, the crafty grrrl will be back. I can’t imagine life without her, even if she does seem dormant right now.

Oh – and part of the going easier on myself part includes this: I’m granting myself email amnesty. I let my inbox get so cluttered up over the summer when I was without reliable access. But I kept everything in there until I time when I could respond. But then I got more nice emails, and interesting comments – but I couldn’t respond to the newer stuff until I’d responded to the previous stuff. And then even more would come in. A vicious cycle that’s tough on an OCD-type like myself! (Don’t worry; I do acknowledge how crazy that is…)

So – amnesty! I’m going to go back through, and read everything – with no pressure of replying. (Because really, do you want a reply to a comment you left 6 weeks ago??? You’ve got your own in box clutter with which to deal!) And it all gets filed away, and then the slate is clean.

I don’t know about you, but I feel better already….

I is for...

My dear friend, CreativeLittleDaisy, has been working her way through the alphabet lately.

And as always, I am inspired by her.

And also, as always, I don't have even a fraction of the energy and dedication which she gives to her projects - so, I give to you an abbreviated alphabet.

I think I'll go with "I"…

As in "I is for irony".

Because how ironic is it that I whinged and moaned for three whole weeks about not having internet access – only to get my access restored and then take a break from it all???

I'd say that's fairly ironical.
But that's just because I've got a slightly better grasp on irony than Alanis Morissette.*

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Anyhow – I don't have any big exciting reasons for being AWOL – aside from the fact that I just needed to do it. However, some of the smaller, not-so-exciting reasons are listed below:

• As I've (also) whined, it's been hot, Hot, HOT! around here lately – and I've found it difficult to commit to anything, or even to get anything started.
  Face it, it's hard to accomplish much when you're lying on the floor right next to the A/C vent and muttering "It's hot! I'm hot! Sweet Cracker Sandwich, Georgia is a hellhole…"

• Also – I really wanted to spend the last week or so of summer just hanging with my boy, Schecky. And even though we didn't do anything particular cute, or fun, or "blog-worthy" – I did get to spend some good quality time, just me and a boy, hanging quietly together.
  There was a WHOLE LOT of lying on the floor, in front of the A/C vent, reading time. We've fallen in love with Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson books…

• And, I'll confess – there was a period of introspective navel-gazing. Sigh. You all know that I just can't help it, right?
  I think a lot of it has to do with the time of year – the "Back to School" season, with all the promises of a whole new year? It gets me every time…
  
  There was a lot of the same old, same old: too much self-examination; too much doubt and questioning… "Am I good wife/mother/friend/person" / "What do I want to be when I grow up" / "Am I living a purposeful life" /blah blah blah
  
  Nothing unusual there. And, I decided exactly nothing on any of those fronts. Except for the fact that I am tired of introspective navel-gazing for a while… And that's all I'm going to say about it because it's boring.
  

• And lastly, the great decluttering project is still ongoing.
  
  Sigh.
  
  I've been working on this, pretty steadily, for the entire year. I just don't talk about it much, because honestly – how freaking boring is that?
  It's a little frustrating that I've been working on this for 8 months now, and I'm around halfway done. I have to keep reminding myself that it took me 15 years of living in this same house to get to this point, I'm not shoveling it all out in a week. (Although, how fab would that be if I could?) Plus, I lived in this house for 15 years with MrPackrat, and now MrPackratJr. And, at some point, much to my chagrin, I adopted a "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality.
  
  Ah well, the good fight continues. I'm feeling good about the half that I have gotten done. And I'm feeling good about just how many wagon-loads** of still-good stuff that has gotten donated to Goodwill and the Salvation Army. So, even though the progress is slower than I would like – it's all good…

So – that where I've been.

Schecky started school on Monday – fourth grade! Yikes! – and I thought things would settle down somewhat, but I'm been shockingly busy with a barrage of PTA-stuff. I've got to admit, didn't see that one coming.

Hopefully, things will settle down soon, and I can get back to business. I've got lots of pictures from Tennessee that I still have hopes of sharing!
Y'all don't care that they're a month old, do you???

Kisses!
lla

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Updated to Add: I've always kind of wanted to do a give-away sort of thing. And as I was doing yet-some-more decluttering, I found a really pretty necklace that the mother of one of my old preschool students made for me (she was a wicked talented jewelry designer!) It's a pretty strand of multi-colored beads knotted on grey silk cord. It's lovely - very feminine and light - and I've never worn it. I'm just ungrateful like that, I guess.

But my ingratitude could be your reward: as a reward for wading through this long post – that didn't even have a single picture! – I'm putting the necklace up for grabs. Just leave me a comment of some sort below, and I'll do a drawing this weekend for it (and perhaps a few other little goodies, to make up for the "regifting" nature of the necklace…)

Leave your comment before the end of the day Saturday, and I'll announce the winner on Monday!

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*But don't get me started on that one. Seriously? That stupid song – there are lots of things she sings about which are disappointing, or inconvenient, or even just a humiliating kick in the crotch… but ironic they ain't. That song's a bazillion years old, and it still bugs me...

**Something funny? Apartment Therapy: San Francisco used my "going to the Salvation Army" picture to illustrate an entry on "How Do You Get Rid of Stuff?" Some more irony there – me, the poster child for getting rid of stuff! Delicious, delicious irony!

I Just Now Decided...

...that I am tired of beating myself up about all the things that I am not doing*.
Seriously.
So tired of it.

Yes - it seems like I've got a bazillion things that I want to do/need to do/feel like I should be doing. But beating myself up over the lack of "get-it-done-edness" isn't helping me to get any of it done.

And I realized that it's affecting my enjoyment of the things that I am doing.

And that's just crazy.

Besides, it's SUMMER!
I need to "lighten up, Francis."
Stuff will happen when it happens.

And so, in this new, most "Summer of George" spirit - I present you with a short list** of what I have done in the last week:

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• saw an advanced showing of the new Pixar movie Ratatouille
  Words escape me when I try to describe how awesome it is. Suffice to say that Pixar has, against all odds, done it again. This movie is just yummy. The characters are great, the story is involving, and it is just gorgeously, gorgeously done! Go see it.
  
  
  
• got tickets to see the Police in November!
  'Nuff said.
  
  
• went to a family reunion (Bubba's family) in Norris, TN
  
  
• made a Coca-Cola cake for the aforementioned family reunion
  yum!
  
  
• attended the opening night for "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" at the Fabulous Fox Theatre
  A good friend of ours is in the cast, and so he got us fabulous comped seats! WooHoo! ('Cause y'all know just how much I love 'free.')
  I'd never seen this show (or the movie) and I really enjoyed it. There was some amazing dancing... Plus the Fox is just the most ornate, amazing space - it's always fun to get to go to an event there...
  
  
• entertained an old college friend
  the aforementioned 7B47B cast member...
  We did some fun things that I never think to do, unless someone is visiting from out of town. I've got to stop forgetting how much fun it is to be a tourist in your own town.
  
  
• ate some chicken and waffles at Gladys Knight's Chicken & Waffles
  All I'm saying is if you haven't tried it, don't knock it. I know it sounds weird beyond all reason, but damn it's a great combination of tastes...
  Why do I only ever think of it when someone's visiting from out of town???

Seems like there's been even more than that going on, but that's all I'm coming up with at the moment. But you know what? - There's plenty on that list that I should be excited about. Much better to focus on the positives, rather than the negatives... I need to work on that.

Wow.
Just typing this made me feel perkier already... I might even go sort the laundry. Which, sadly, is a whole different thing than actually doing the laundry. But at least it sounds like a step in the right direction...

Wonder where the hell my tiara is???

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*A partial list of which includes:

• getting caught up around the house
  
• staying on top of blogs and email the way that I want to
  
• getting something (anything!) crafty done
  
• taking pictures (pretty ironic, since I've been researching new camera options like mad...)
  
• exercising, or at the very least getting moving again.
  I pudged up while lolling on the couch earlier this month - and I'm finding it hard to get my energy and my groove back...

**A list with no pictures...
(see footnote above)